The Secret Language of…

One of my favorite books that I have come across in the past few years has been The Secret Language of Birthdays, and its companion guide The Secret Language of Relationships. The very first sentence in the book describes how it works: “The Secret Language of Birthdays is an easy-to-use guide to personality (we call it personology) based on psychology, history, numerology, tarot, and astrology.”

All right all you skeptics, bare with me on this one. This is a fun book, which you can read into as much or as little as you want too.  Take it with as much salt as you need. The books are over 800 pages each, and go into detail even day by day. If anything it’s a cool book to look at who was born on your birthday. In the book about relationships (Personology guide to any relationship with anyone), the introduction lays out Keys to a Good and Lasting Relationship. I’ve had this book for years now, and only the other night when showing the book to a friend, did I discover, and read aloud these guidelines, and I agreed with every single one of them. So much so, that I desire to share them with you in this post. I highly encourage reading this, posting comments, passing it on, whatever really floats your psyche boat.  Relationship does not strictly imply a physical relationship with someone else, but our relationships with all other humans on this planet. [If you are interested in the books, they are super fun and I have hard copies at the house.]

~Namaste~

Keys to a Good and Lasting Relationship – From The Secret Language of Relationships by Gary Goldschneider & Joost Elffers
When a relationship between individual A and individual B is discussed, do we mean the dynamic that goes on in private between these two individuals or the relationship unit AB, which interacts with the world around it? Of course, the relationship AB is present in public or private, but the degree to which A and B identify with it, and give up their individual identities to become it, is of utmost importance. There are no hard and fast rules for such surrender to the relationship. In come cases, or at certain times in the life of a relationship, it will be necessary for A or B to pull back and affirm his or her own individual identity once more, perhaps even to the point of setting out once again on his or her own path. However, peak experiences between two people are only really possible through surrender-that is, giving up a good measure of individual ego in service of the relationship, AB. Each person will get something back that is much more valuable. A few additional guidelines follow:

1.     Listen to what your partner is saying.

2.     Truly share. Solely giving or taking is not the answer, but only a combination of the two in equal measure.

3.     Give unconditionally. To give while expecting a return or certain results is the same as paying for something.

4.     Kindness, understanding, trust and consideration are work more than all the selfish pleasure you can gain. If you are in it only for what you can get, forget about meaningful relationships.

5.     Don’t let anyone treat you abusively. Demand respect.

6.     By refusing to make decisions, express disapproval or take a stand you may really be just avoiding taking responsibility for your own actions. Feat of rejection is usually behind such an agreeable façade.

7.     Beware of possessiveness and claiming behavior. Your partner is his or her own person and should never be treated as an object or possession.

8.     Refuse to allow others to push your buttons. One trick is to grow a whole new set of buttons that cannot be pushed so easily.

9.     Much can be learned from self-observation. In the midst of an argument, try backing off and observing yourself. By being both the observer and observed, you will increase your awareness.

10. Control your aggressive and violent side. At the same time, seek outlets for your feelings and do not repress them. Working out differences through calm discussion is often the best way.

11. Learn to postpone your gratification through patience, trust and understanding.

12. Acceptance is important but does not imply agreement. Agree to disagree. DO not insist that you and your partner must see eye to eye.

13. Try to distinguish between needs and wants. What you seem to want most is not what you really need, in many cases.

14. Be sensitive to kairos, the right time for an action to take place. What will work well under one set of circumstances will be entirely wasted under another.

15. Respect your partner’s space.